Squinty Eyed Heroes

There is an ancient and eternal struggle that is forever around us; it is a secret war that many uneducated do not know about, but it is a war of intense bloodshed and violence. It is the continual war of the noble ninjas versus the barbaric pirates. This is a war that has spanned across eons and is filled with history, legends, and heroes, and as with any struggle you must choose a side, and the choice is simple, you must side with the noble ninja. Let me tell you why you should swear your allegiance to this distinguished people, first, I am Asian, so I know everything about the ninja from their society to their martial arts, and let me tell you that the ninja are a stalwart, courageous, dignified and honorable people that possess the necessary skills to eventually destroy the pirates. As well, I have seen many a pirate movie and have even joined a pirate club in school. Because of these experiences I can expertly tell you that the pirates are nothing but mangy scoundrels with no ounce of integrity or respectability. And because of this fact, if any pirate tries to convince you to join their cause you should not listen to him. All pirates are conniving, blood lusting thieves who only want you for your booty and because they will throw you out into battle as cannon fodder against the ninjas. These pirates have no respect for human life, even the lives of their own comrades. Because of this fact the number of pirates are dwindling, everyday there are less and less pirates. On the other hand, ninjas respect and preserve life and everyday there are more and more people joining the ninja cause. If you would like to be among the exalted masses that will be victorious in this conflict you must join the ninja cause. Another reason why you should not join the miscreant pirates is that once you ally yourself with them you will slowly but surely become one! Eventually, you will lose all manner of personal hygiene, develop scurvy, and lose your teeth; you’ll begin to systematically lose parts of your body one at a time starting with your eye, then your leg, and your hand until finally, you become a limbless, eyeless, tongue-less stump rolling around on the deck of a ship. And perhaps the most important reason that you should pledge your undying loyalty to such a deserving people is that if you do not, they will come with their swords and ninja stars to personally kill you for making such a dishonorable choice.