Merchants of Death: The Growing Frisbee Problem at BYU

Drop your American Heritage book! Throw away your Jamba Juice! Cancel your DTR! Brigham Young University is now facing a problem of such colossal proportions that if we do not take action soon our very way of life may be destroyed forever. This horror of horrors is nothing short of this: Frisbees are being thrown irresponsibly in the grassy areas by the library—it must be stopped immediately! As a BYU student for several years, I have seen firsthand the devastation caused by irresponsible Frisbee throwing. Last month I was almost brutally assaulted by a reckless Frisbee-tosser whose careless throw nearly resulted in the rapid severing of my jugular vein by his razor-sharp spinning disc of death. On this particular day of terror, I was minding my own business, innocently walking to class. All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye—there it was! My surprisingly agile reflexes were the only thing that saved me from terrible and instantaneous decapitation. The problem is simple: BYU students are currently at constant risk of being violently mangled by wild Frisbees. The cause of this problem lies within the fact that there are currently no regulations that restrict where people may throw Frisbees. Why don’t we make these bloodthirsty Frisbee-tossers go to a shooting range where they can be surrounded by similarly minded ranged death dealers? I urge you to write to President Samuelson. Do it now--do it for your friends and loved ones. Ban these merchants of menace from BYU grounds so we can walk to class without living under the yoke of fear and violence! We can save BYU together!